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CHANGE IS HARD

As a mother of a 7 month old son, I had to make a transition in life, going from a single gal to a mom with responsibility's. What I didnt expect was the transition I experienced going from a single gal with lots of friends, to just a few friends that I occasionally see now. I don’t know how to approach it, or if I can express to them that I am truely hurt. At the same time, inside I am so pissed – how come they don't see me anymore?

Please give me insight into my bitterness. To me it was difficult to transition to another stage of life, especially when my situation wasn't standard or ideal. I had to fight for what I stood for and changed my life around. I was alone. I made that choice and I knew I had to deal with it but I didnt expect that they didn't get it, aren't interested, and in some way ignore me and to them: that's that.

I understand that they are selfish about their time because they have not yet had to devote themselves to another human being. Their world involves around relationships with the other sex. I remember that I used to considder my life as being busy, when now I look back and think I had too much time on my hands.

Now that I'm 7,5 months further after the birth of my son, and some of (what I conssidered to be) friends haven't taken the time to actually come visit my son or even ask me how I'm doing. I send birthday cards, send mssgs how they are doing, invitations to party's I throw and they get totally ignored. I recognize this now and move forward even though part of me feels hurt and a little isolated.

When I used to get invites to socialize, go out to party's, go to BBQ's or just hang out in town, I get none of them unless I hear them talking about it and ask them 'can I come also' or when I ask them to go out this weekend. I guess they really don't wanna hang out with me anymore, for example going into town, when I have to bring my son with me.

Maybe I'll just have to see them as my 'no kids' friends and not expect them to be interested in my new life as a mother and be a part of my son's life. Unfortunately I cannot make them something they are not. The only thing I can do is wait till they have their own kids and see things from my side and maybe then express some interest in me and especially my child.

TRUE MEANING OF GRINDIN'....

I'd like to take a moment and ask you:
'are you REALLY on your grind?'
You probably will answer me with 'YES!'
OK. Now, define it! Don't google it now!!!

Most people will define 'Im on that grind' with: I'm pursuing/ chasing whatever you be chasing. Sorry to say this to you, dear, but it's not as easy as being busy. It's nothing glamorous, it's nothing you see in your average HIP HOP video. Honey that is NOT the true grind. It doesn't sparkle.

The TRUE GRIND is about having a steady income. No matter what you do to get that steady income, as long as its steady and pays your bills.

This is where the grind happens:

After work you come home and you work on your craft & gradually master your craft. You take that hard earned money and invest it in yourself, intelligently. It's not bout working harder, its about working smarter! It's not going to NY for a couple of years or traking an internship temporarily at some fancy company. It's a life journey.

Now that you know this, tell me... are u REALLY grindin'????

I LOVE ART!

I always loved painting, illustrating, designing and writing short stories and poems. However when I work on a project for a company/bidder and they tell me what they want me to paint/write/design, I shut down completely and I dislike the process of making the art. The dislike to perform well for someone else that has to judge my work and critize me, makes me perform and deliver art very poorly.

To make sense of my blog title, we have to go back to the time of good ol' school days. I hated most of my primary school days. I was the youngest student in a class of 36. Too young. I had difficulties learning because I was a year younger than my classmates. This resulted in bad grades and a low self asteem because I couldn't keep up with the rest. I had to perform. And I couldn't perform well enough. This resulted in me hating to perform for the rest of my life. I was also the tallest and curviest girl in class which resulted in cute remarks. At the age of 11 I reached the height (I am today) of 5"8 and was nicknamed Pamela Anderson for my full grown C-cup.

The only nice days I remember during this time is when I stayed the weekend at my grandparent's house. How I loved my granddad that we nicknamed 'GAGA'. I used to cry hysterically when my mom told me I had to stay the weekend at my own house and begged my grandparents to let me stay for the weekend. So I could do art with my granddad. He never told me my work was a piece of shit and stimulated me to learn different techniques. He would tape every show of Bob Ross and we watched it together. He taught me the history of Scotland and we painted Edinburgh Castle together using his million dollar oil paint. If I spilled oil paint on the carpet he didnt get mad he just laughed and told my nana it was his fault. We played golff together in the livingroom and when I smashed one of my nana's vases, he told her it was his fault. The best advice he ever gave me in today's society of finding your own style/ handwriting was: copy to learn how to do it your own way. When you aren't skilled enough to compete, copy the big cats so you can compete. And that is what I did. I copied Salvador, Monet, Picasso, Jason Brooks, Roahld Dahl and Carry Slee. I copied them for over a decade to slowly find my own style in art, my signature, my own handwriting. In some areas I'm still copying. Copying to learn. Copying to one day compete with the best.

When primary was over and I could go on to secundary school - I thought all would be better. Boy, was I wrong. Secundary school was worse. In an environment of who is the coolest, prettiest and skinniest I couldn't compete. I didnt want to compete. I had ass, hips and full grown curves. I couldnt care less bout fashion and I was terribly naive. I was raised in a protective environment so I thought the world was filled with happy, friendly people. I learned everything pretty much the hard way and got fooled about a million times. I dropped out of secondary school within 3 years and whent on to study graphic designing. I met new people and thats where my life turned into fun, experimenting and exploring my LOVE OF ART in any way possible! Suddenly my appearance as in 'curvier than your average chick' got noticed in a good way. I flaunting it with my new friends! I gained self asteem and that showed in my work. I wasnt affraid anymore.

Till this day on I continue to learn, watch, be inspired, explore and just work on my art in every shape or form. My days may have too little hours in them because I juggle between parenthood, housekeeping and my work. But when I do find the time I go at it 100%. Still I have troubles performing when working for someone else. Its just a self asteem issue that I need to conquer. For the time being, art, to me, is a stress relief. When I do art, the world dissapears and its just me and my work.